Jake

And I know just what I would change if I went back in time somehow but there is nothing I can do about it now. – Willie Nelson

Someone very precious to me asked me if I knew what in my life I would change if I could go back and do it over. Basically it is a question that revolves around regret. Who does not regret in life? Who does not wish that they had made different decisions at different points? Who does not wish that they had chosen to love differently, apply themselves differently to important tasks or taken advantage of opportunities now so apparent in hindsight? What makes this a difficult exercise, at least for me, is the realization that it is hard to separate out how certain failures and blows in life truly shaped who you are. Perhaps there is one thing so good in your life that it almost completely defines you and that one good thing only came as a result of a series of missteps. Remove a misstep and your life becomes unrecognizable. But, given this premise and some thought, I think I have come to the one thing I know I would change… Jake.

Jake was a little puppy I found abandoned outside the place I was living at the time. He truly must have been one of the cutest puppies ever to see the light of day. I took him in immediately. Unfortunately for him, my compassion exceeded my competence and capability to look after him. I think if there is a mistake that can be made with a dog I made it with him. The living situations I was in and the other demands of my life as well as simple youthful irresponsibility and self-focus placed Jake into a lonely existence. Even the addition of another dog at a later point could not undue the personality that had arisen through the intervening years.

Finally, at a particularly low point in life, I could not deal with the destruction and barking and all the troubles that went with it. I had a friend come and take him away to the city pound. This no doubt resulted in his death. The last image of him described to me was that of a keeper hooking him around the neck with a noose and dragging him off with Jake struggling. It is a mental image that even years later still haunts me from time to time.

What I would give to be able to go back to any point in time in my relationship with that dog. I truly believe that if I had been different so would he. I think he would have been a special dog. Sometimes I hope that it is in God’s plan that the animals that meant something to us in life can be restored to us and that I can do better for him. In this life however, in this situation, there is only regret…

… and regret is just a memory written on my brow and there is nothing I can do about it now.